Cole World

Dear baby boy,

 

Or Cole, or Myles, or basically any underlying dreams that I have yet to be in tune with.

 

I had just found out about you today, and I'm not really quite sure how to react.

 

I guess I'm still in denial that God works so mysteriously and yet so clearly.

 

How? How would I have known that it was out of place and that a few weeks ago we were in a decent place? I mean decent enough to conjure you here to me.

 

I guess this was his way of telling me that it wasn't going to last, or maybe I am being punished because I am trying too hard to love someone who can't see into my soul?

 

I knew something was off, I knew it in the pit of my stomach that I was feeling off, but in a good way. I started smiling again, I started laughing again, I even started to fall for your daddy slowly and yet all so suddenly.

 

However, as they like to call "Women's intuition" I knew that there was a disconnect between us, happening all over again.

 

Was it this new woman he mentioned? Was he seeing her this whole time behind my back, while you were being created?

 

I felt like a new chapter of my life was starting, and again I thought your daddy was going to be by my side this time, I planned on marrying him on New Years Eve. I had this all planned since September.

 

But yet, something was keeping us apart.

 

Am I willing to love someone who doesn’t love me back? That has basically been my whole life, me waiting endlessly for someone to realize just how much I would do for love.

 

And then came you.

 

I sat there in the hospital with my pants soaking with blood that I just couldn’t stop staring at the mess. I thought it was nothing, just another stress episode, but the blood didn’t stop this time.

 

I sat in the shower for hours and cried holding myself, wondering if this was all a dream. Wondering if your daddy would come to my rescue and pick me up from the ground and kiss all the pain away.

 

Unfortunately, your daddy doesn't feel the same way about me anymore, and as much as I love him I have to let him go

 

I hope you know that we briefly talked about you, or the idea of you in another year from now. I'm sorry that I got you all excited and made you come to visit early to save us, that wasn’t your job to do my baby boy.

 

I hope you know how excited I was to meet you, excited to think that maybe the second time around, we would have gotten it right, not just for you, but for our dreams and future. To be honest, giving daddy a mini him would have perhaps filled a void in his heart that he just didn’t seem to notice.

 

My heart is so heavy, which is why I have been locked in the washroom on the floor all day, crying and so heartbroken.

 

I just wish I wasn't alone again under these circumstances, fighting the pain of losing a piece of me, even if you were only just a few weeks in the oven, you were my flesh and blood. I could just scream at the sky right now out of pure tragedy and horror, but alas, I am always the #1 person that my daughter looks at. I am the one who watches her primarily and that means no time for personal time or problems.

 

I just wish God could give me a sign on how to keep hanging in. I have come such a long way from where I was a few months ago.

 

I feel like a born-again woman, so, how can I stay in this place knowing that I lost you? Not only did I lose you, but I also lost your daddy too. He was never able to fathom the depth and lengths of love I go to, so is it really a loss?

 

Yes. I loved him.

 

No, I love him.

 

Unfortunately, your daddy doesn't know what that means yet, and I guess after all these years together he never learned it from me.

 

I think that is what hurts the most.

 

Knowing I had him and fought for him and fought lions and tigers for a man, who cannot return a phone call. And then it will finally click and he will be the man of my dreams… just for another woman.

 

As much as my heart hurts, maybe it's better that you didn't have to witness him walk out on us again. Or maybe, you would have been the one to make him change. Either way, it's not reality, you're no longer here and neither is your daddy.

 

The pain is tolerable, but the emotional pain, well, I'm not sure I can let you go now, knowing you were underneath my skin the past few weeks… How can I not feel agony?

 

How did I know that the procedure was tampered with and that this would happen? It is time to finally take this thing out since I am no longer romantic with anyone. Is this where the story ends with you or any future versions of you?

 

I just wish I had your daddy on my side right now, it is getting really lonely facing every obstacle alone when someone said they loved you.

 

I just wish I could have said I love you, I wish I could have gotten to see your face or your eyes, or feel your tiny hand wrap around my finger. My heart and eyes hurt just writing this.

 

I am not okay.

 

I just wish your dad would call me and tell me everything will be okay…